Behind a line

Sometimes we use words too much. We have forgotten the power of silence and actions.

It is easier for us to throw a word in the middle and wait for the other one to pick it up, and what? figure out what to do with it? react? do not react?

A word hides experience, sometimes bad, sometimes good. But also it can be ambiguous. How do you sift the true meaning if you are not given any clue?

There are "two-faced" words as well. They may give you hope, while the person who uttered them means totally the opposite of what you hope.

A word shelters emotions which could be better expressed in actions.

Why do we all hide behind a line instead of doing something better?

The "Blonde" One Out

I am a woman on a mission, my mission is to graduate from my PhD within the designated time limit. Then find a good job in the very complex world of academia (I discovered I really like teaching, maybe more than researching, I still need to figure this out).

Until I achieve my goals I still need to live, to find normality where apparently there's no such thing.

The craziest thing I have ever done was not bungee-jumping (I was the third woman in my country to jump when the bungee crane was brought in), was not riding some scary roller-coasters. It was moving to Manchester, on my own, without knowing virtually anybody in the city. Whenever I have "stage fright" I remind myself that I am the one who chose this, who imposed this wish on her family, and I should do anything in my power to fulfil my dream.

Although I have found new friends, let us be honest, they are still acquaintances at this point. Friends stand the test of time - so, there is still plenty of time to test these new faces.

I do not have time to get bored, but I have time to get very lonely. I still make plenty of mistakes and go against my better judgement - it means I am still young. Sometimes when I feel like going out oooops!, there's nobody to go out with.

I learned to queue, to swear in a very diplomatic way, to drink larger amounts of beer than the doctor recommended, to stand for myself (some people would say that I knew this before; now I really have to, because I am on my own), to meet new people (while in other times I was so scared to walk out of the house on the streets). I have been told that I am probably one of the most un-shy persons in the world (you don't say! noooooo, you really don't say! I am really shy, but people like me wear a shield. mine is being pushy and presenting myself with a lot of... nerve, and smiling too much). If I was to graduate from a "let's see how many men are running after you" PhD I would have been top of my class (if I only knew this when I was 17 and crying my heart out that all my friends had boyfriends and I didn't, I would have saved a lot of tears).

But... there is always a "but"... I am still "the blonde one out" - I still need to be accepted with my weird and blunt style, I need for people to see that I am not such a tough cookie and I do need support, I need to fit in a society which usually rejects people coming from my country (I do advertise for Romania!!! if you would only know me, I bet you would all want to visit my country), I have to ultimately survive.

The second "but" is: but, I am blonde, which means I am almost... perfect :) (which suddenly makes it a little bit better)

Maybe

Maybe I've had enough.

Enough of MEN thinking they are the centre of the World.

Enough of me being bullied, intimidated. harassed.

Enough of being told I am your boyfriend and after 2 days someone gets to make an assumption, and make everything like nobody should be ever born.

Enough of MEN TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!

MAYBE, just MAYBE I HAVE A MIND OF MY OWN!

MAYBE I LIKE LIFE, MAYBE I LIKE TO BE THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE!

MAYBE< JUST MAYBE, MAYBE, I AM WHO I AM AND I MAKE NO EXCUSES! NO DAMN EXCUSES.

MAYBE... JUST LIVE WITH THAT, YOU SHMUCKS! (WHOMEVER YOU MAY BE)